Saturday, December 1, 2007

Moving Soon

I'm in a dark mood. I am going to be moving soon. Not to a big nice house or across town, but back to my hometown to live with my parents. I'm 29 with two kids and having to move back home! It's really depressing. I'm okay, just more frustrated than anything. Here's my poem I wrote:

As I sit here and wonder what went wrong
how did my life get so far off track for so long?
All I've ever wanted is to be happy and feel worthwhile
so why is it so hard to find a reason to smile?
Why am I unable to find the things I seek?
does trying this hard make me weak?
Am I destined to always fail and face wrath?
how did I ever get on this path?
For every step forward and two steps back I want to scream,
somebody please wake me up, tell me it's a dream.
Where are my friends, love, success, and all the things I should have by now?
I just seem to keep missing them or they are passing me by somehow.
Get a good education and do your best they always told me
I got two degrees and tried hard yet it doesn't seem meant to be
Be a good person you will be loved and you'll go far in life
if this is true, why can't I get ahead, why so much strife?
Why do I live in a world filled with so much pain and fear?
my own seclusion that closes in more with each passing year.
Why do I make mistakes with nowhere left to turn
how many times must I screw up before I finally learn?
I have hurt people and I have pushed people away
For that I am sorry, because all I ever wanted was for you to stay
I want to be happy and share with other in glory
that just does not seem to happen, it is not my story.
love with everything I have but I hurt so much more
sometimes I just wonder what all of it is for
I cannot let go of the past, my mistakes, my regrets, and all the wasted time
out of this state and into a better place I wish to climb
I have ups and downs, good times and bad
but through it all I still remain sad
This pain is something I deal with from day to day
One day I will finally find my way


utmomof5 said...

I am sorry things aren't going how you hoped or planned. Sometimes we get trials in out lives and we don't know why. The answer may come in a way you least expect it. Keep your chin up and a smile on your face, all will work out sometime. If all else fails you are a great poet!!

Try to think of the good things in your life. Sometimes it can be very hard to find them put it does help a bad situation seem a little better. You have parents who are taking you in so they must love you. Your children are healthy and love you too. I am sure there are more things for you to think of.

Good Luck!!

onthegomom said...

Thank you for sharing your poem with us. It was raw and vulnerable... but absolutely beautiful! I wish nothing but the best of luck to you and I know it stinks to have to move back home, it will not be forever and brighter days are ahead.

Lisa said...

Hang in there, for if God is with you who can be against you?
Although we don't live with my parents, I get their help almost every day. It is frusterating having to rely on other people.
I hope you will be able to focus on all the positives in your life.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time. Keep writing those poems - sometimes it makes me feel better when I put it all down on paper and get it out of my head.

Theresa said...

I can sympathize with you, I moved back in with my parents twice! once with 2 kids and once with 3. It was okay,and it really was temporary.
I was able to help my mom care for her parents (who were in their 80s. We actually had 4 generations under one roof, talk about an extended family.
It could be worse,I met a lady who ended up living in a tent with her kids, and because of state camping rules they had to up and move every month or so.

Lucille said...

Nice poem - thanks for sharing your real self and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I can't wave the magic wand and make it all better - I wish I could. Just know that you will get past this and grow from it.

The day after I turned 30 I stood in court and got divorced. (No kids) Crazy ex asked me if I wanted to go out for "drinks".

I am now blissfully happy in a new marriage of 10 years so things have a way of working out for the best. We women sometimes forget that.

Chin up...it will get better. I can almost guarantee it!


Damama T said...

Well meaningly, everyone always says, buck up... look at the bright side... hold on, things will get better... it could be worse... etc. etc. But if in your heart you truly feel the way your poem sounds, I am begging you to please find a way to locate a licensed clinical social worker to help you. They differ from psychiatrists and psychologists in that they actually help you learn to live TODAY and get through all its pain, while healing yesterday's hurts. Please take a minute to check out my story at http://damama2all.blogspot.com/2007/12/happy-anniversary-and-thank-you-cheryl.html
and feel free to email me if you have questions.

You CAN make the hurt go away and "let go of the past, my mistakes, my regrets, and all the wasted time" and you can climb into a better state -- You just have to find someone qualified to help you do it.

Good luck. xoxo