Wow! I actually have comments to respond to! I'm responding to a comment because I felt it needed addressing and where else would be a better place? LOL Damama T responded to my poem so Here goes:
Damama T said... Well meaningly, everyone always says, buck up... look at the bright side... hold on, things will get better... it could be worse... etc. etc. But if in your heart you truly feel the way your poem sounds, I am begging you to please find a way to locate a licensed clinical social worker to help you. They differ from psychiatrists and psychologists in that they actually help you learn to live TODAY and get through all its pain, while healing yesterday's hurts. Please take a minute to check out my story at http://damama2all.blogspot.com/2007/12/happy-anniversary-and-thank-you-cheryl.htmland feel free to email me if you have questions.
You CAN make the hurt go away and "let go of the past, my mistakes, my regrets, and all the wasted time" and you can climb into a better state -- You just have to find someone qualified to help you do it.
Good luck. xoxo
Thank you so much for the comment and support. I truly feel cared about. What you don't know is that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder:
The link explains better than I can and I don't want to waste time copying and pasting when you can read it if you're interested. Basically, my main issue is having to deal with constant, drastic mood swings. I experience extreme highs and lows, but more lows than highs. I fit into 9 out of the 10 criteria for BPD (only required to fit 5 for a diagnosis!). Anyway, after my diagnosis by a psychiatrist, I was referred to the UK (University of Kentucky) Undergraduates in Psychology since they work on a sliding fee scale and I didn't have insurance at the time. Long story short I got dropped by my psychologist and stopped my meds.
However, prior to that, I spent a year in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It helped me control my anger and to learn to deal with my emotions rather than acting on them. In other words, instead of lashing out at those who care, or more like myself, I channel it. I no longer have the same reactions. Now when I'm upset, I call a friend, play on the computer, write stories, or write poetry (like the poem you read). It helps me release those feelings without actually acting on them.
In other words, I really am okay. Some of my writing may not reflect that, but it's how I express myself. I don't communicate well in actual conversations, but I can write all day long! I probably should still be on meds, but I'm in the middle of moving and changing my whole life so it's too much right now to try to pay for therapy and meds, etc. etc. but I am dealing with my emotions constructively.
I'm amazed, however, that so many people do say it will get better, hang in there, etc. and don't understand (not just here, but people who see me every day!). I guess I just wanted to say thank you for noticing and caring and for the great advice. I also wanted you to know that I am okay. I've learned to take it one day at a time and to live for my kids and not everyone else. It was a hard lesson to learn. : (
Okay, other news: I decided to quit smoking!
Thanks to my friend Heather being the inspiration that she is and to my son nagging about my health (and his), I bought the nicotine patches at lunch Monday. Now as a pack-a-day smoker, this is not easy, but I have been cigarette free for 47.5 hours now!! Guess you gotta start somewhere, but GRRRR I just want to pull my hair out!!
Seriously, I'm doing well, but I am full of nervous energy right now. I probably should not have decided to quit smoking 11 days before moving (9 days now), but I promised Adam I would buy the patches instead of cigarettes when I got paid, so I did! I feel like jumping around or something though, this is harder than it sounds to someone who has never smoked. If you have, then you understand, and thank you.